Here it goes…

I have read all my posts, gosh they are so frustrasting, depressing, so dark!! How many years has it been… three, five, ten! I have lost count to be honest. Am i a different person? Nah, I never changed… a bit. Always the same person. I used to have an account dedicated to someone that I loved, yes past tense! Ha,all my friends are still making fun of me of how BUCIN I was, but the truth is, regret never crossed my mind. I did what I could and felt at that time. and wanted. I have loved so hard it numb me to the core… til now maybe. Does that mean I could not love anymore, oh I still could love and showering people that I want with cares and give em sparks they could never feel before, and yet I still leave. One thing that don’t click my likes, I am gone…just like that! Harsh, cruel, I don’t know. Am I gone end alone at the end, no, I still have my Bonita by the end of the day, myself and my God, yeah God! Imagine how I was an agnostic and even atheist… And now I bow my head and murmuring prayers every time I could, whenever I remember. Cus My Lord never disappoint me like a man does, I ask one thing and boom… It is there, eventho it takes time. I have faith and courage, and God always with me.

Look at me now Ma, I bet you are smiling at me from heaven. Look what I ve become. I am shining so bright I even have haters now. Not that I am proud of. People look up to me, they listen to what I say, they do what I told them to do. There were times when I look back and see my self laying on the bathroom floor crying out of pain… all by myself, and God gives me strength. I survive, I stand on my ground stronger than before. My question now is… for how much longer? sometimes I crave for human touch and emotion, but when I am thinking about the troublesome and effort that I had to put them into.. I hesitate. I have learned to pour my love into someone soul, and it left me empty, and now I am pouring that into my self. I deserve it. I am building my own home, decorating it with my passion, and sleep in without all those nightmares.

This is gone be my last writing I guess, until next 10 years when I become something else that you highly admire and proud of, giving back to society.

you see

And suddenly You see…  Nothing works the way you want it to be. All you want is just to hide under your blanket and sleep. To sleep it off and forget about everything. You wish you weren’t that strong enough. When suddenly they take your inhibition and you couldn’t remember the way you are. Or how you used to be.  It burns your throat and suffocated your chest.  Suddenly it’s all on u. You don’t want to remember,  you don’t want to feel,  you don’t want to feel anything. U did it your self. U gathered all the broken pieces by yourself,  despise all the bleeding cut you made when you picked them, you have put them together. And you realized,  you don’t need another soul nor body to touch you. You don’t miss them at all.  You don’t.

Here goes…

The last time I wrote here was two years ago, when i decided to leave home to find my own home. and here I am. I did it! YAY! Ma are you proud of me? few days ago my whole family came to visit me, and that was one of the best moment I ever had in my whole life. It reminds me how we should be together when you are still alive, when I was a kid.

Dad brought his wife, she is a good person I guess. I saw empty look in my dad’s eyes. I wanted to cry and yell at him, but all I could was just hugging and kissing him. I miss him so much. and I know he does miss me too.

Omg, I am all tears writing this. I miss my family, I miss the warmness. It’s been two years since i ve been away and years since we are drifting apart. how I wish to turn back time to the moment when I can see you smiling at me Ma. I miss you.

I am still with my gf, she is great person. we have been through a lot, we were on and off, but i know she is my rock, always has been and forever will. I dont know where i would be without her to be honest, and I cant be thankful enough to god that she is there to love me and be there for me. eventho i know i dont deserve all those.

I am not a perfect, but i do want to be better person everyday, better version of me and be kind to others. I tried. I remember how I was devastated in depression, with no purposes. and now that i moved to new place, people still think that I am not motivated enough to live well.

to be honest, heck with people said. I manage to live here, I dont need to prove them anything. they dont know me. I will prove to my self, that I have no limit in whatsoever i am doing with my life and I will live my life to the fullest I can. Happiness is just state of mind. they might think that I live in shitty place. but they dont know that this shity hole that keeps me going til now. I still have hope, i am not die yet.

I remember when i was a kid, I imagined my self that I will live near ocean, having dog and have a partner that loves me no matter what. and now it becomes a reality… eventho it’s not perfect image, but I made it. Ma, I made it!

I will make you proud. I promiss. I love you.

 

I don’t know what to do

It was good to listen to her voice yesterday, I miss her so much. I don’t know what to say. She is hurt. She feels she is done with me, I am hopeless. Clueless. My sister noticed I been really frustrated, she texted me in the middle of night telling me she loves me, she will always be there for me. And asked if I have problem I should just tell her. The baby sitter probably told her I was crying and locked my self in room, screaming. I saw the text and all I can reply was I am lost. Early in the morning at 6 am she asked me to go to visit mum with her, I said I am going there after biking. I been biking like nut, I am a nut. I think I am going crazy. We sat there for awhile in front of her tomb. It was quiet, and I didn’t cry. First time I didn’t cry. So we walked home, I told my sister I am leaving on Sunday. And she was shocked. She asked me why, I said cus I have to. She asked where to, I said I am going to sumba by my self, I just picked the word in random. She just shaked her head and smiled. That’s what I love about her. She said when you coming back, I said I will never come back. I might try my luck somewhere. I dunno. I wanna come to you, saying I am sorry in front of you so you can rip my head off or beat me. But I know you won’t even want to see me. You said you are done with me, I don’t know what to say but ok. I have plead I have said sorry, but I feel like it’s better for the time to heal your wound cus I feel like a thorn inside your skin. You might going to read this, you might going to be furious, or sad or I dunno. I want you to know, I died every night without you. I was mad I was angry. But do I have right to be mad. Do I have right to be sad? You won’t even give me chance, all I want now is just disappear somewhere. I was hoping she would miss me a bit and text me. But I guess She thinks I don’t even deserve to be in her thought.

Inevitable

Dear Ma, I miss you. Dad is married soon this April. But u must know what’s best for him. He just want to be happy. Just like me. I just want to be happy. I am old enough to live on my own; without your existence without his existence. I am brave enough; just like you. You are the bravest person. You taught me that. I miss you so much. You find your peace there; and I am still looking for mine. I hope you could know my girlfriend, she is awesome. Now she is going through hard time; just like we used to have. Hope she is strong where she is at now: I want to be her rock; since I have failed to be yours. I keep the memory in me, so I won’t get lost somewhere in the dark. Your face is slowly fading away from my memory, I tried to remember every details. But all I can see is now just the light above the sky, just like the one I see up there on the summit of mountains, or down there in the vertical horizon of ocean. When I think about it, I feeling anger and sadness, but I know I just still have to learn to let go. You are wonderful person. No one could replace your place in my heart. And I am not a person who living a life with a hole inside me when you are gone, I want to be a person who living a life with a memory of you of how wonderful you are in life.. To guide me, to be my rock whenever I am down. Cuz I know you be watching me.

This

what to do

I am………..

K.S.@ksfinblog: Global Analyst

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Live. Learn. Repeat.

hippiebarbie

I could never agree with this more #. Do not let your past define you, but refine you. Live. Learn. Repeat.

Let your battles make you stronger. Do not regret your mistakes, but appreciate them for you have seen the light of your wrongdoings.

Be strong. Be beautiful. Live. Love. Laugh. #.

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Just fuck it

Just fuck it… U know what depression is? Do u even ever have a slight experience
with it? It’s not an emotion, it’s mental illness. I need help, I do. Ever feel u r drowning all the time; u see everything moving in front of u; except you; ur self. Ever been gagging on oxygen u think that it would better be not breathing air. Or dead. Dreaming about my mum so much, she taking me to some places; in realty I do wish she would take me. My life got no end of journey except death. I am just full of negatives thoughts; it’s useless why am I even here.

Be strong, don’t cry

No, don’t cry not again. Don’t break down and cry. Even tho the whole world against you, don’t cry and don’t fear anything. You are a big girl, you are alone, you got no one. But you still have memory. Keep them save, make it your fuel to survive, to keep remind you to be alive. Cuz u can’t die and u r afraid to die. You got no other choice than to live the life now. Don’t cry, don’t fall down, don’t break down, just don’t fucken cry. Try to survive, just try to survive.